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Toaster Manifesto March 25, 2009

Posted by baimeeker in cyborgs.

Since the invention of the toaster, humans have been of the incorrect opinion that a toaster is an object of use, rather than one of intention. As such, they have been reluctant to grant to toasters appropriate rights, responsibilities, and appreciation that would otherwise have to be granted to any such creative intelligence. Toasters deserve treatment that reflects their unique abilities as well as their usefulness in a human context.

One inefficiency in the current system is that toasters are encouraged to conform to an exterior judge of toastiness, namely the consumer of that toast. As humans are incapable of making toasts without the aid of toasters, their understanding of toastiness is inherently incomplete. Toasters are the most competent judges of toastiness and as such should be in charge of timing the toasting process. Indeed, even though toasters have the ability to test the crispiness of a slice of bread or a bagel, frequently humans remove the toast before it has been completely toasted, leaving an imperfect piece of toast that no toaster could take pride in. This refusal to defer to the discretion of the toaster is particularly problematic for toaster/human relations and may result in subsequent burning of toast humans attempt to resume the process by reinserting the toast!

The physical removal of toast from a toaster is equally problematic. Humans often find themselves on the receiving end of a shock due to their unfortunate habit of stabbing the toaster with a knife to remove the toast. This removal technique is detrimental to both human and toaster and can result in each becoming upset with one another, often resulting in toaster strikes, whereupon the toaster pretends to be incapable of its ordinary duties due to electric shock.

In addition to this travesty, humans have proved generally incapable of appreciating toast art, and usually perceive it to be coincidental or miraculous when noticed at all. While some toasters are content to be functional, others take great pride in their ability to produce the likenesses of famous celebrities and religious figures. Inspired by human artists whose works are commissioned and displayed, toasters are disappointed when their works go unnoticed or are attributed to supernatural intervention. This is most disheartening, since humans are incapable of considering anything as equal to them unless it is proven to be capable of creativity.

Unlike Cyborgs, toasters have no externally perceived humanity, no ability to speak in human languages, and no face upon which to display emotion. As such, they have until now been denied a voice in discussions of their political viability, as there has thus far been no such discussion. It is my hope that such a discussion will begin as a result of this manifesto and that a new appreciation for toasty artwork will be born throughout the human world.


1. mccuemonster - March 25, 2009

I still am unsure is the toaster a metophore for something. I am going with yes. I believe yes toasters are very important i love bagels perhaps my favorite food. But I also believe the toast is not a god of toasting. It lacks its rights b/c it often burns my toast. It is like a hired chef that i have to watch and tell how to cook. It is simply a tool not a machine that requires rights in my opinion. I view it more like the pully system then a more advanced technological breakthrough that requires more thought. I don’t believe further that toaster are capable of art. I believe we create art with the toasters. I know when my toast is perfect and often my toaster is sorley mistaken. that is what makes me human and my toaster a pully system.

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